saa-33:

i’m actually tired bro, like from the bottom of my heart. i am tired

Everyday trying to ” grow up “

Doing grown up things

Shopping for groceries

Paying monthly shit

Taxes.

Everyday is something to stress about.

My inner child is tucked away in bars in prisoned and hates the world.

The dreams I strive for are becoming a dream and trying to follow society’s terms

The girl I loved is long gone with my memories

This year has felt like I lost everything and relearning how to live again when I’m so trapped and stuck inside my mind… I can’t tell what’s real for fake anymore…

Im hoping I can just reach the goals I set this year that’s all I’m striving for..

Thinking back on every weekend we would go out now I’m used to going out every weekend because these four walls I feel so isolated.

Now I’m alone doing it by myself with out you.

My only lover

My only friend

Now they cut me off from there life like the rest with no expiation.

I know it’s to stop hurting me.

I know it was for my own good..

I was on the verge of destroying myself for you, now you cut me off and took a piece of me I can’t get back.

I’m left with all the memories we had

Good and bad.

I loved you to the fullest through the worst and through our best times.

If I could I’d do it again in another life

I would try again again to get it right.

I hate this version of me so much but I’m trying so hard to love myself like I loved you…

I haven’t messaged her or asked if she’s okay.

On the weekends I look back on all our pictures and my heart aches.

I know it hurts me but I can’t let it go.

All the things we planned.

The fantasy I pictured in my head for us.

I don’t get why good people can’t get what they want.

I loved her. I cherished her . I treated her like if she was a queen.

And I still wasn’t enough.

My dreams faded away and so is her memory.

I miss her every single day and not for a second her laugh smell and telling me “what are you thinking about “ goes through my head.

Im trying so hard not to check up on her and ask if she’s okay.

I hope she is.

I love her. .

Her memory is now fading but if she asks for help I’ll always be there.

I lost my lover and my best friend …

I wish I can still be in her arms but all relationships have an end date…

She promised me she wouldn’t give up on us…

All things good come to and end.

As I look back on our old videos it hits me like a car with there high beams on at night

Everything comes playing back

To our first everything

And the fights and arguments just fade away

And all the good times come to play over in my mind

Like those slide card goggles every moment plays in my mind.

Our first fair

Our first concert

Our first kiss…

I never knew how hard this would hit me till I lost everything and realize she was the person I was looking for all along.

Till I lost her.

Now I lost everything and trying to escape the town I grew up In because the old me is dead and can no longer remember the town I grew up in.

The new me wants the goal and dream

It still longs for the first girlfriend I had…

Today I asked God I’ll let her go in your hands now and lead me in the path you need me to go.

What ever this life brings me … I hope it brings me back to her.

But if it doesn’t I hope I can reach what I’ve been chasing for …

I still think of her

But I try not to because i start to cry

Everything else doesn’t hurt me no more

But when i start to think of her

My heart aches

I start getting teary eyed

She’s the only one that can hurt me and make me cry

My heart grew rock solid now and I don’t want anyone to touch it

I still think of her wanting to see her every day like we used to

Eating in the car

Laying in my bed

Hugging out side feeling like forever

Holding hands

Opening her doors

Making sure I was okay when she wasn’t …

I still think of her every now and then I try not to think of you.

But you come up like a glimpse and I see your green hair and smile that lit me up inside

I try not to think of you because your the only one that makes me cry

Today I went to therapy

Talked about everything I’ve been through

It felt better than last time I went

It feels like I will get better.

I hope I don’t slip

I don’t want to slip again.

I’m trying day by day

Memories of you come and go in my head

All my creative thoughts are coming back

But you are the only one I would share them with

I have to be alone

Alone in all of this

And push myself to get the goal I want

To do the thing I want

This is all for me and me only

I’m trying

I hope I don’t slip again

And go back to where I started

I want to feel free

I want to feel at peace

I’m trying

Im trying

Im fucking trying.

Everything in me is trying

But am I really trying enough

Enough to get it done

Enough to make it happen and prove all of them wrong

Will I find a way

A way to get out of this place

Will she follow me

Will all those dreams come true

Or will I fall apart

I’m ready to be alone

hellandhomee:

Citizen - Everybody Is Going To Heaven 

 Bone/2000